Tax return and return and return

I haven't lodged a tax return since 2004. I'd like to say that I'm objecting to the whole process but instead I confess to . . . hating myself for not having lodged a tax return since 2004. Its a mill stone around my neck dragging me down. I can last weeks sometimes without thinking about my tax return but each year at least 10 times I am reminded of my ommission.

The annoyance I feel with myself, the self-criticism, these are overwhelming some days.

I could embark on a discussion about why I haven't done this. I could talk about my daughter born in 2003 and the vast disruptions that a new angel in our tiny family caused. I could mention my under earning around that time, staying too long with a client that didn't offer me enough hours. The complexity of self-employed tax returns with the need to pay GST and quarterly income tax installments. Or the change in employment to a better job that put me back on the salary track and should make those tax returns easy but that consumed so much of my time.

But I want to talk about forgiveness. The power of forgiveness. You see I believe that by continuing to berate myself for this failure I am not helping the situation any. Each time I have felt angry with myself for not pulling together the returns I have not come any closer to lodging them. In fact the feelings are so distressing that I am at risk of doing almost anything to avoid feeling them. Mostly this involves staying busy with all the other things on my lengthy list of things to feel annoyed I haven't got to yet.

So this forgiveness thing is going to be my new approach. I love and accept myself just the way I am. I forgive myself for all my imperfections. I love my procrastination, I embrace it, I enfold it, I adore it for what it is, a way of dealing with a complex world.

I'll let you know if I make any progress with the tax returns and with the forgiveness.